I have a very important few things to say about chicken turds. I just have to clear up a few things with you people. To start off, when you hear the word “chicken” you probably think “bird” or “Colonel Sanders” both of which are fine to think, but in this case lets refer to “bird”. A chicken is a bird. Duh. Most people assume that a bird is a sometimes cute [depending on the species] feathery, flying, egg-laying, beak-wearing, animal. This is true. A chicken is NOT THIS. A chicken is an ugly [after it grows up] mean, evil, conniving, dirty, stinky, non-flying, tasty, egg-laying, massive weapon of destruction complete with talons and a razor sharp beak used consistently to attack and maim little and big children alike.  A chicken is MEAN. A chicken is EVIL. Chickens are BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD AND TAKING NO PRISONERS. If you or your family is considering buying chickens, go for it. But take to heart the important issues that I’m taking the sweet time to inform you about. Also… chicken turds… I need to address this as well. Bird droppings? Small, annoying but tolerable, white with black centers. Chicken droppings? HUGE, disgusting, GIGANTIC, smelly, tennis-ball sized chunks of crap that stick to your favorite shoes when you least expect it. Bird droppings? Acceptable, clean-upable little pieces of life. Chicken droppings? NON-acceptable, MESSY, repulsive chunks of you-know-where. Thank you for listening.

Now that’s love.