Ahh friends. Friends are amazing! Joseph and Nigel are in from San Antonio for about 2 weeks and I’ve pretty much been hanging out with them all weekend. They’re staying at the Vaughn’s house, so New Years eve I spent the night with Hannah and laughed my head off all night. I got there half-way through The last Samurai and it was about 15 minutes until midnight after that ended, so the boys turned on iTunes and cranked old Disney songs until midnight. Nigel sang at the top of his lungs, songs from Mulan, Anastasia, and The Lion King… it was so funny! Hannah got some fantastic videos of them. And then we turned on Hitch, which always makes me laugh. =] then we went to bed, seeing as it was about 2:30 a.m. Friday night, Joseph cooked dinner at my house and everyone came over for his amazing pork and garlic potatoes. After that we played apples to apples and Mafia for a while. Nigel skunked at apples to apples and pretty much dominated Mafia so we laughed at him for a while… then yesterday was Micaela’s birthday and they all came over after dinner and we built a fire outside and hung for a while. Then we got cold and decided to play some mafia. Joseph moderated and we had a couple really good games. One in particular that Micaela, Brittany[Mic’s friend] and I dominated as the three Mafia members, and we won. It was awesome! We totally conquered! It was fun. I think Mic had a good time, which was the most important. =] -laughs- Nigel and Joseph crack me up. They’re so funny. And everyone loves them, they go anywhere and you know all their friends here will follow them. So you have Nigel and Joseph coming over and you’ve also got Ben, Daniel, Aaron, Jeffery, and of course Bethany, Hannah and Bekah. So it’s always a blast. I love em all.

So Nigel is a photographer and he took some amazing pictures with my Rebel, check my Picasa for them, there are some really good ones. =] I don’t think I ever mentioned, my little digital Canon croaked. After Family Retreat it just stopped taking pictures. So I’m putting away a bit of every paycheck to get a new one. I have my big camera, my Rebel, but I can’t carry that in my pocket, so I’m saving up for a lil digital.  I’m gonna get an orange one. X]

Nigel showed me all these super cool settings on my Rebel that I had never know about. There are some pretty trippy pictures on my Picasa. I especially like the ones of the lightsaber outside. =]

Oh yeah, I know I’ve told some of ya’ll I was considering getting a Facebook. Well that’s not happening, so… um… sorry I guess? -laughs- it’s been decided it’s not a good idea for me to have one, so you guys are going to have to settle for an old-fashioned, totally old-school blog. Sorry. =/

Christmas! Christmas was amazing! Got some super cool stuff, had a fantastic day. Don’t really have a whole lot to say about it, just because most of the funny parts you would have had to have been there to understand, and also basically we did nothing all day. It was fantastic. =] a totally chillaxed day. it was a blast.

So what have I done this week? Wow… I have shopped…worked…cleaned[Totally redid my room, cleaned out about 5 trash bags of crap. It looks crazy different!]…chilled… pretty much had a laid-back week. It’s been pretty nice.

I’ve been struggling. Actually, that’s not a good word for it. truly, I’ve been hopelessly sinking into the black, crushing oblivion of despair that comes with the feeling of disappointment and heartache. Yeah… that’s a little better. Honestly, in this past week I have hurt more than ever in my entire life. I have felt absolutely irrelevant and unimportant, and I’ve felt totally lost. I keep coming back to Psalms 103. It’s been one of the only things keeping me afloat. I know I’m probably being a bit dramatic… But It’s been really bad. I can definitely classify it as the strongest feeling of absolute heartache that I’ve ever had. It’s been hell. It really has. Last Tuesday I cried harder than I can remember crying in years. I literally sat on the couch and sobbed into my Mom’s arms. it seriously looked like I poured a whole bottle of red food coloring into my eyes. I know the question right now is “What in the heck happened to her?” but for the sake of keeping a little bit of my pride I’ll just say I was told that a friend said some things I never thought they’d say. And it hurt. And I’ve come to the realization that I can’t have things that I want. And I can’t compromise. And I will NOT change the person I KNOW I am for the sake of someone else. It sucks. Hardcore sucks. When Joseph and Nigel were over on Friday night we were all sitting at the table and my we talked about what had happened and Ben, Joseph, Nigel, Bethany, Mrs. Vaughn, and my Mom all gave me some fantastic advice. And I remembered that I am only 17, [37 days left, I can go ahead and call myself 17] and I still have a full life ahead of me. And this is something I can overcome. Because I’m stronger than that.

Something I wrote over the weekend.

“Life hurts

I’m discovering that

There is always something right around the corner waiting to pounce and maim you

He is Lucifer, the black shape that haunts every child’s dream. The cold creeping fingers of despair that inch their way into your very soul. The prying tendrils of failure that destroy your carefully constructed walls of confidence

You can’t escape it

You can’t simply choose to ignore it

It is inevitable

What you can do is choose your weapon

Choose how you are armed. Choose how you will fight it

You can lay down and die

 You can give up without a fight. You can surrender your life

Or you can pick up your sword

And fight it

Fight Him with all your might

Return some damage

Pick up your sword and fight with me

And we will give him hell.”

Psalms 103 - [My chapter for this past week. I’ve put my fav parts in bold]

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.2 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. 6 The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. 7 He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: 8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. 13 As a father has compassion on his children,  so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; 4 for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. 15 As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. 17 But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-  18 with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. 19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all. 20 Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. 21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. 22 Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the LORD, O my soul.